I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
