Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Randomize
