Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
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