I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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