im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
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Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
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Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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