I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
