I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
