Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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