After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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