look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
