my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
