i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
