I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Randomize
