I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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