She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Randomize
