My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
