Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
