I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
My vagina is officially offended.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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