I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
