he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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