I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
