I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
God I need to hump something, right now.
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