I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
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