drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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