my text book just quoted the cookie monster
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
