I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
