you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
