I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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