I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
