at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
