the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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