Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
