my vag is so smooth its legendary
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
