It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
You had me at "let me see your balls"