o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.