What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
Randomize
