the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
