All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
