you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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