im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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