I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
