I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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