Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize