ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
smell my finger.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
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I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
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dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.