ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
