ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now