I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
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Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
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My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that