She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
