obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.