Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
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DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
i need to put some appletini on your dick