i already hear my dad disowning me
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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