whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
