Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
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I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
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That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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