Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
We're too hungover to prance.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
