She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
