Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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