Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
