so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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