i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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