he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
