You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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