Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
